The Lord of the Ring Transport
by Songbreeze the Omnipresent
Summary: LotR and Stargate Crossover. The team, with some extras, are forced to take on the roles of LotR characters, and play out the story. In their own style, of course...
1. The Fellowship of the Ankh

**Disclaimer: **Now, what has the world come to when every parody/comedy/crossover has to cower in self-defence and squeal "I didn't make it! Not mine! Not mine! No money making! Just fun! Stop suing me now please!!"

Aaanyway.

I didn't make it! Not mine! Not mine! No money making! Just fun! Stop suing me now please!  
So… You get the gist of things. LotR – Not mine. Stargate SG1 – Not mine (Darn.) Just a mildly crazy and hopefully amusing idea that hit me. No money is being made on this… (But all donations are welcomed heartily. I could do with a new DVD player…)

So enjoy!

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**The Lord of the Ring Transport**

**The Fellowship of the Ankh**

_The story begins at Rivendell. Or does it? Touches of the SGC show through the flowery Elven house, most obviously the control room and the Stargate itself. The inner ring of the Stargate starts to spin, and dial._

_The technician, Sergeant Davis, glances at the computer screen as Hammond, SG1, Janet Fraiser and the lemon-hating Dr. McKay arrive, warned by the klaxon._

Davis: Incoming traveller!

_The iris closes just after the gate has opened in its usual dramatic style. (Kawoosh, go the sound effects)_

Davis: Receiving IDC… Sir, it's the Tok'ra!

Hammond: Open the iris.

_Hammond, SG1 (Oddly including both Daniel _and_ Jonas) Janet, McKay and Davis all move to the Gate Room – which currently has flowers and vines all over the walls, in fitting with the "Rivendell" theme._

_The iris opens, and a moment later Jacob Carter steps through._

Sam: Dad!

_Jacob and Sam hug._

Sam: It's great to see you again, Dad.

Jacob: This isn't a social call, Sam. I've got important news. Anubis is gathering his army together, and it's a fair bet he'll make an attack on Earth pretty soon.

O'Neill: What, is Anubis playing Sauron now?

Jacob: That's right. I'm playing Elrond.

_Everyone blinks in brief confusion._

O'Neill: So we're masquerading as Lord of the Rings characters?

Jacob: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. The nine of you will have to set out and destroy Anubis.

_Jonas glances at the others, utterly mystified by the Lord of the Rings references. Daniel raises his hand slightly to ask a question._

Daniel: Um… shouldn't there be something equivalent to the ring, then?

Jacob: I was just getting to that, Daniel. Take a look at this.

_Jacob tosses a palm-sized ankh to Daniel, who almost drops it, but then peers closely at it._

Daniel: The markings are faded… Something about eternal life?

Jacob: "Giver of Eternal Life". We've had our best agents working on it for weeks since we managed to steal it. They've agreed that only humans not in the control of an adult Goa'uld can destroy it, which is why no Tok'ra can come along. (_He glances at Teal'c_) Jaffa are fine, though.

_Teal'c inclines his head slightly in acknowledgment._

Sam: So that makes us… The Fellowship of the Ankh?

Jacob: Got it in one, Sam. But as my daughter… shouldn't you be playing Arwen? (_He raises his eyebrows slightly, hoping that for once she'll agree to stay in safety_)

Sam: Nice try, Dad. But I'm already in the Fellowship.

Janet: If we're taking parts, I'll have to ask. Who are we all playing, then?

O'Neill: Aragorn! I'm Aragorn.

Sam: (_Thinks for a moment, aware that all of the original Fellowship are male_) I'll take Legolas, I suppose.

Daniel: Uh… Well, I have the Ankh, so I'd say that makes me Frodo. (_He raises his eyebrows behind his glasses and smiles as they all stare at him for a moment_)

O'Neill: General! I'd say you were _born _for the role of Gandalf!

Hammond: I'll take that as a compliment.

Teal'c: It would appear that the most useful characters have been assigned.

O'Neill: Ah, no problem, big guy. You can be Gimli.

Teal'c: (_Eyebrow raise no. 63 – insulted scepticism_) I have no wish to be Gimli. He is made mockery of far too often in the films I have seen.

O'Neill: It's either that or a hobbit.

Teal'c: Very well. I believe Gimli is the superior warrior.

Janet: And I'll take Sam's place. If Daniel is going to succeed, he may need the help of a trained doctor.

O'Neill: Davis, Jonas. You two fill in for Merry and Pippin.

McKay: (_Until now, he has been staring in amazed horror at the group of intrepid adventurers_) Wait! Just wait! (_Everyone looks at him_) Have none of you even considered the possibility of saying _no_? This is insane! It's dangerous! I'm not going! I'm not trained for this!

Sam: (_Snidely_) Afraid of gate travel, McKay?

McKay: No! Death, maybe! And what about Anubis?

O'Neill: Ah, shouldn't be a problem with him. I hear he was good as Scar in the Lion King. Don't worry about his acting.

McKay: That _wasn't_ what I–

Hammond: Enough! Jacob, you'll need to find another ninth. It seems Dr McKay isn't going to take up the challenge.

O'Neill: And we were just getting into the swing of things, too. Shame McKay doesn't have the guts to come.

McKay: I never said that!

Jacob: So you'll come, then. Good. All nine.

O'Neill: (_grins at McKay_) Come on, McKay. We'll even let you play Boromir…

**Author's Note:**

*spooky Hollywood style voice-over* And so it begins!

Review. Or be zapped. With a zat gun. ^_^ 


	2. A Long Expected Departure

**Author's Note: **Replies to reviews at the end. (Just so you have a chance of reading through it all before you find out… hint hint)

And here we go again:

**The Lord of the Ring Transport**

**A Long Expected Departure**

_The Stargate dials and opens (Kawoosh again). The Fellowship of the Ankh step through, and look around, finding themselves at the foot of a mountain range. As one, everyone looks up… and up… and up, trying to find the peak of Caradhras. They reach the clouds, and then stop trying. Jack shrugs._

O'Neill: Well, we weren't going that way anyway. Were we?

Teal'c: I believe the necessary route passes through Moria.

_There is a brief pause, and then everyone with any knowledge of the plot of Lord of the Rings – ie, everyone except Jonas – looks at General Hammond._

Hammond: We'll cross _that_ Bridge when we come to it.

_O'Neill simply shakes his head, as though saying that nobody except him can make good jokes._

_In a neat, film-like scene change, the group are now standing outside Moria's gates. They gather directly in front of the blank stone space, and Sam points at the gates. Right on cue, the moon comes out from behind the clouds, and the gates are stylishly revealed (with much CGI and special effects lighting)._

Sam: Anybody remember the password?

_Dead silence ensues for a moment as everyone looks thoughtful, then_ _Daniel blinks._

Daniel: Oh, I… uh… brought the book with me.

Hammond: As a matter of fact, Dr. Jackson, we won't be needing it yet. The password is "mellon".

_The gates promptly swing open while O'Neill mouths "Melon?" He then leads the way in, turning on the torch on his gun._

O'Neill: Follow the yellow brick road…

Sam: Wrong book, sir.

_They all file in, Teal'c last. Realising that its prey is escaping early, the Watcher in the Water surges out of the lake and grabs at the Fellowship. Teal'c, who has been expecting this, (Like Star Wars, he's seen the films nine times) simply turns and shoots it in the face with his staff weapon. It collapses back into the water with a whimper, and the jaffa smiles slightly in a satisfied way before following the others into the mines. The doors swing shut behind them._

_Much later, the group pause for a quick break in Balin's tomb. Pointedly staying well away from the skeleton-and-bucket by the well, they pass round Daniel's copy of The Lord of the Rings, and Hammond dutifully inspects the 'Miners' Diary', as it were._

_Jonas takes a good look at the runes on Balin's tombstone, blowing the dust away. Davis promptly sneezes loudly, and everyone freezes._

Jonas and Davis: (_in perfect unison_) Sorry…

_Hammond puts the book back down as Daniel packs away The Lord of the Rings and fetches out a zat gun. Everyone else checks their various weapons, and faces the door. Sam and Teal'c shut and lock it as the first drumbeats sound. McKay cowers behind everyone else._

_The doors begin to crack under the axes of the goblins, and Sam successfully shoots through one of the first holes, killing a goblin with one very well aimed bullet. Finally, the doors break open, and the goblins rush in. With the combined gunfire, staff-blasts and zat-blasts, none of them make it more than two metres in. However, they keep coming, and bring in their cave-troll. Teal'c calmly sends three staff-blasts at its head, and it collapses on top of its keepers. Janet finishes the last goblin with a double-zat blast, and then they move on again._

_Jogging through the huge Halls of Moria, the group are promptly surrounded by more goblins. Knowing how the film goes, nobody bothers to raise a gun, and the creatures disperse when the special effects kick in with huge drumbeats and glowing orange lights._

O'Neill: See you around, General.

Hammond: I certainly hope so.

_The group run on and cross the Bridge of Khazad-Dum, turning afterwards for Sam to switch to a sniper-rifle and take out the goblins lining the cavern walls. Hammond stops halfway across the Bridge, and enables the portable shield he brought with him (adapted by the Tok'ra from specifications supplied by an ex-bounty hunter…). The balrog turns up, and attacks, but is repulsed by the red shield. Finally, the massive creature steps onto the bridge, and promptly breaks it. Hammond's shield flickers and dies, just in time for the Balrog's whip to come swirling back out of the chasm. However, Hammond dodges it, and only falls into the abyss due to the narrowness of the bridge, and the simple fact that sidestepping doesn't work if there's nothing to step sideways onto._

**Author's Note:**

Not as good as the other one, but it's there. Anyway… Lothlorien next. And soon, precious, we'll meet Gollum. Oh, you'll kill me when you read that.

Heh heh heh!


End file.
